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January 12, 2019

2018. what a year.

 

some people have asked me why i didn’t make a 2018 year video like i did for 2017, and to be brutally honest with you guys, it’s because i was capturing everything that now i don’t really want to remember, and failed to capture everything that i hope to remember forever. but i know i want to write about it, so here we go.

 

i never realized how much depth there is to who we are as human beings and just how many lessons we have yet to learn about life itself until very recently. at the start of 2018, i thought i was happy. i had a boyfriend, a solid group of friends, senior year was winding down, and i was getting a lot of inquiries for my business. but low and behold, within the first few months, everything began to crumble around me. i felt pain that i don’t even think i can articulate. i thought i had experienced sadness, but 2018 showed me a whole different kind of hurt. i thought i had it all, with my whole life planned out, and lost absolutely everything. in hindsight, that was the best thing to ever happen to me.

 

in August of 2018 i got my tarot cards read at a night market in the city. i sat down (extremely skeptical) in front of a very nice normal looking woman. i shuffled the deck to put my “energy” into the cards, and split the deck as instructed. she turned over the first card, explaining that it would represent what the focus of the session would be. i wish i remembered what the card looked like, but the second she turned it over she looked me in the eyes and told me how the card was telling her that i have gone through some extreme changes in my life revolving around love and comfort. without me saying a word, she asked “have you moved recently or gone through a really difficult break up?” bingo. tears immediately started rushing down my face. she touched my hand, gave me a tissue, and proceeded to go through the rest of my cards. each of the 12 cards told her how important it was going to be for me to let go in the following months. one of the cards told her that i was hard working. she asked me “do you own some sort of business that you work on almost every day?” more tears. she told me how i must use my passion to get through my hard times and expressed how crucial it would be for me to keep pushing forward. after my session, the woman told me that she was once suicidal. on one of her darkest days she was sitting in her living room, thinking about hanging herself, and found an old deck of tarot cards. she learned the craft and now travels the country doing sessions in hopes that she can spread the same impact that they had on her life as well. “these cards saved me” she said. i’m not saying that everyone needs to go get their tarot cards read and your life will change, and i’m still not even that much of a believer in the tarot card / medium / psychic world, but this was an extremely transformative experience for me nonetheless. i hadn’t taken advice from anyone up until that point, but something about this heavyset woman with the kindest eyes on a summer night in milwaukee, told me that i had to change.

 

i am happy to inform you guys that as of today, January 11th, 2019, i have NEVER felt happier or more content. i cried almost every single day in 2018; some days in frustration, some days in heartbreak, some days in confusion. i cried for the first time this year today, but it was the happiest of tears. i was sitting at the island in my family’s new apartment eating pizza. my parents had a bunch of their friends over before they went out to a country concert and my mom’s friends (who feel like family) were asking me about school and how i was doing, the usual talk for every college student. i could finally tell people how happy i was! tears began to well up in my eyes because i was so proud to be able to tell them how much i have grown, how much i have learned, and how much of a better person i am because of it. they were so happy for me, and i don’t think i realized until today how many people in my life knew how much i used to be struggling, and could see this change better than i could.

 

2018 stripped me to my core, took away everything that i thought i had, but gave me the opportunity to rebuild myself from the ground up. i am finally my own person, with endless freedom and excitement for what is to come.

 

and to think that there was a time when i thought i did not have the strength to keep on going.

 

i don’t know if anyone reads these anymore, but if there is ever one person who comes across this and is feeling similarly to how i was, keep going. time heals everything, and i promise that eventually in a month or a year or ten years, you will take a step back and recognize your tremendous growth, and will feel the greatest pride knowing that you got through it.

 

hello life! you are gorgeous.

 

here’s to 2019.

 

mar

 

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